2 Days AFTER ultrasound..........Shocking Discovery

POSTED on my family blog  January 30, 2011.
After my miscarriage January 20 2011 it took some time to process things....it was hard!

Well I have been thinking about this post and what I will write.
I feel very vulnerable and my emotions are raw......very raw.
Deep breath........
After my ultrasound appointment on Jan.18 (Tuesday) when my DR told me I had a chemical pregnancy,
he said that I would NOT have any large clots. He said there was not placenta or "doll" going to come out!
I know.....whats with the word "doll", that was the DR's words not mine!
DR said, that with a chemical pregnancy the baby never implanted.
 I was relieved to not to have to frantically keep checking the toilet for a baby......like I had been all that weekend.

Two days later on Thursday Jan. 20 2011 at 8:50am a large very firm clot dropped out then a gush of blood. There was no mistake about it. It was my baby(embryo) or the start of one. I waited until 9:15 and called the DR's office to see what I should do. I left a message with the nurse to see if DR wanted to sent it to the lab.

Two hours later the nurse called me back....I said "hello", but she was to busy talking to the other nurse to hear me. She was telling her that "she had to call this goofy lady, wish me luck!"
I guess wanting find out answers is goofy! Did the pregnancy fail due to low progesterone?
Does this nurse think a woman that is 42 yrs. old with 6 kids already is goofy to want another child?
My baby DID start to develop! Why did the DR NOT see that?
The nurse informed me that.......
 DR does NOT think the "thing" that came out had ANYTHING to do with my miscarriage!!!!!!
So just flush it or through it away! I am embarrassed to say, it is still in a Ziploc bag in my bathroom!
As a Catholic I wanted to get my Holy Water vessel filled and do a blessing or something.
I was stuck at what to do?

It was also a teary day for me when my DR's office called to let me know, "I had forgotten my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday Jan 25." I forgot to cancel my previously made appointment. So I was reminded of a day that was going to be a joyful one.....when I made the appointment! I guess I was supposed to call and cancel it??????  I figured they would know that I would no longer need it!

I had my neighbor/friend over for lunch a few days later and had a cry. She is of a different faith (I won't say which faith, as I am not writing this to throw my friend and Her faith under my bus).
But is apparent to me that other faiths feel differently about life and death......and when LIFE starts etc...
My neighbor/friend said, "I should just through out my Ziploc bag. I was just being emotional and it was NOT a baby!" She thought I was going overboard to want to bury it in the backyard. I was caught in limbo. I did not really WANT to bury my baby in the backyard. I would be mortified if my dog dug it up! But flushing it or throwing it out in the trash was NOT an option!

I guess I kept blocking things out and finally this weekend the tears came and would not stop.
I talked to our visiting priest (FR. Jerri) at church on Saturday night as I was getting my holy water vessel filled. He told me to call the Catholic Cemetery and they would bury the remains with respect!
So this morning I did just that! I feel tearful but good!
Tomorrow after MOPS I will go to the cemetery and pick out a spot  for the burial and make arrangements. The funeral home needs a day to get the ground and things ready, so the small ceremony and burial will be on Wednesday Feb 2 in the afternoon.

I am pro life. I believe life starts at conception. I am so filled with tears of joy and relief right now.
The Catholic funeral home and cemetery were very kind and understanding. She said, that it is FREE and I am not weird. There are many other miscarried babies there, and I did the right thing!

I will now have to figure out the spelling of this baby's name and pick a middle name!
My baby (embryo) had a SOUL and matters to God. He matters to me and my family!
He should and WILL be treated with respect and dignity.
For that I am truly JOYFUL!

Peace and Love,
Georgiann

DR's Final Answer

January 18, 2011  {Tuesday}

Well as most of you know I had my ultrasound this morning.
My pregnancy with baby #7 was not going well.
The doctor said, I had a Chemical Pregnancy you can read here and here to find out more of what that means.


Our Little Baby Love Bean was lost just days after conception. He did not implant. Most women are a few days late with there period but in my case my body thinks its pregnant. (its not something I can control)  Thus not getting a period for 6 weeks.
I am 8 weeks along......or so I thought. My due date was to be Aug.28 2011
I am still getting a very positive pregnancy test.
My cervix is about 3 cm and firm.....though it should be totally closed (if pregnant), it was firm, as though I was pregnant still. The DR was expecting to find a placenta, yolk sac and a baby that stopped developing. (A blighted ovum) 
To his surprise there was not a sign of anything.....no placenta,baby or yolk sak.


A  Our baby was conceived {he} was real and has a soul,
though only here just briefly.

Our Little Baby Love Bean is in heaven waiting for us.

Emotionally, I am doing better than I thought I would be.
Better than I was this morning.
Hubby and the kids are disappointed but hubby said, we can just keep trying. {that's his favorite part} hee hee!

My body still thinks its pregnant, so hopefully in a few months I will be able to get pregnant?
Thanks for your continued prayers! :)

I will be making a few phone calls and then taking a nap!
I am drained!

Peace and Love,
Georgiann

My Ultrasound Is Tomorrow

This is the post from my family blog.........January 17, 2011 and Post Edit on the 18th.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers :)
 It means a lot to me!
I called the DR today (Monday) and I have an appointment for a ultrasound tomorrow morning.

I have been getting rest, drinking pregnancy tea and raspberry leaf tea.
Saturday I soaked about 1/3 of a pad with very mild cramping.
Sunday I soaked about 2/3 of a pad no cramping.
Today I soaked about 1/3 of a pad and feel pretty good.
No clots on any of the days.

The nurse I talked to today said there can be many causes for the bleeding.
1. placenta privia
2. a twin being lost
3. blight oveumn (pregnancy stopped early on and has not miscarried)
4. trauma to the cervix due to intercourse
5. she also said some people have a period every month of pregnancy (though I find that hard to believe)

The nurse said it sounds as though I have NOT miscarried as of yet.
So please continue to keep me and my baby bean in your prayers.
I will have answers tomorrow and will try to post an update in the afternoon sometime.

Peace and Love,
Georgiann

********POST EDIT********

Well, today is here the morning of my ultrasound........................

One might think today would be exciting and that I would have a "can't wait to find out feeling"
....to see if all is OK.
In my heart of hearts I think I already know the news......things are not good.

How I long for my yesterday back...........

A day of sipping pregnancy tea in my PJ's, watching Property Virgins all day on the Home channel.
Not knowing was starting to feel good.

As I sit here and type, I smell  my Starbucks Winter blend brewing in the cold morning air.
I hear the hum of the furnace working hard to warm the house.
I feel tiny waves of grief lapping at my feet and the tide slowing coming in.
I can only pray that I don't drown in it.

Thank You for your prayers!

Peace,
Georgiann

Is This A Miscarriage?

This was the post from my family blog.......I felt so alone. The bleeding started Friday Jan.14 and lasted all weekend. I knew IF it was a miscarriage there was nothing the Doctor would/could do.
I stayed in the comfort of my home, surrounded my my kiddos that were praying for me!
I called my DR on Monday (MLK day) I go an appointment for the next day. Tuesday at 11am.

My blog followers (of my other blog) did not know I was pregnant so I told them
in this post AND asked for prayer and advice! I wanted to know if baby could/would be OK!

OLD POST........ January 15, 2011   {Saturday}

It was in the early am hours of Christmas Morning (12:30am) when I finally got the double lines on the test.

Yes.....a pregnancy test! Baby # 7 was on its way. I almost missed the second line because I tossed the test stripe into the garbage BEFORE it was done. Then for some reason I pulled it back out....and was delighted to see 2 lines.

Yep, it had been 17 months of trying and hoping and praying!

Just to be totally sure I was pregnant I took another test at about 7:30 am Christmas Morning. This test was a digital one that would spell it out for you. PREGNANT! I peed in a cup then dipped the stick and quickly hid it in a drawer. Every few seconds I would peek into the drawer only to see a flashing hourglass. Then finally the word

PREGNANT appeared. I was in shock.....happy shock!

I wanted to save the news for Valentines Day as then I would have been 12 weeks!

But here is were the prayer comes in..........

Yesterday at about 10:30 am I started to have bleeding. Later in the evening I had some mild cramping.

I have barely soaked a pad but have blood and mucus when I wipe.....every time.(sorry to be so graphic)

It has been 24 hours and my bleeding is the same.....it has not increased......but has not stopped.

I think I'm having my first miscarriage?????

My first Dr. visit is scheduled for Jan. 25. its going to be a long week and a half! :(

Has anyone out there had a miscarriage that could give me some advice or leave me a comment (and say if I can publish it or not) Does the bleeding act just like a regular period? When you think you are having a miscarriage should stay home? Could there be a large mass that comes out?

If you leave me a comment let me know if you want me to publish it. Otherwise I will just read it and answer you back in private.

Has anyone had bleeding in the first 3 months

and had a pregnancy continue normally?

Please Keep Me and Little one in your prayers.

{ I know God's will be done.........but please pray! Thanks}

Peace,
Georgiann

The Back Up Plan - Official Trailer [HD]

My Journal :: Pregnancy Life BEFORE the miscarriage

Before I knew I was pregnant my hip, wrist  and lower back started bothering me.  That is what usually tips me off  I might be pregnant. All the muscle loosening hormones!
I had also been getting up to go pee about 2X a night!
After watching the movie The Back-up Plan with Jennifer Lopez, I headed to my closet and retrieved my Snoogle pillow! I needed to wash and sew my cover.....I think that is why it was in the closet.  Its is  also hard to nurse Olivia age 3 with it in the bed.......some nights I told her her KNEE  YOW was broken. Thats what she calls my boobies.
Those were rough nights! Hubby woke up tired on those days!

Here is the box of goodies my sister gave me for Christmas!
The face is a lotion bar.....good for a pregnant tummy!
Lavender sachet and Bee Pollen (not sure what to do with it?)

Dec. 25 2010

Good news: I'm pregnant!!!!!!! (link to FULL story)
I am 5 weeks along!
Due Aug. 28 2011.
Right before the school cut off date!

Dec. 27 2010

Went to Ikea and had a great time....read more here!
Lots of baby/pregnancy details in this post.


 Dec. 29 2011

I went to Target and bought a few baby girl clothes off the clearance rack.
Though I feel this baby will be a boy.....I had been eyeballing these 2 mix and match newborn outfits for quite some time.
When I was Christmas shopping with hubby the week before I saw that there were only a few of these outfits left (FULL PRICE) :)  I also did not know for sure I was pregnant until Christmas day.

So I was totally jazzed to find the exact ones, in the size I wanted at 1/2 off!!!!!!!
I bought the last ones! So cool!


Dec. 30 2011

I was with my son Nick age 11. We went to Fred Meyer and there was a BIG sale on baby clothes.
Clearance racks every where....sigh****  Since my last boy (Noah) will be 9 this summer and I felt this baby was going to be a boy this time.... I need some boy clothes right????
So I told Nick I had some baby shower gifts to buy. He was ssssooooo excited to help pick out the shower gifts. We bought 3 little outfits for a newborn...... Nick was really into it. Even though he "knew"they were not for us....he had so much fun picking!  

I  took another pregnancy test today  .....I just wanted to see the lines again! :)
They were there.....I'm almost 6 weeks along! Sigh*** I can hardly believe it!
We have wanted this for so long!

Later that week.....Jan. 5 2011??
I went to the Mom and Co. and bought a organic swaddle blanket with a bird pattern. So cute!
I also bought a brown maternity skirt.

I also when back to Fred Meyer's baby sale and bought some long sleeve newborn t-s with the mitten things (my baby's are born BIG and never fit the hospital t-shirts!) I wanted to be ready!
and 2 more outfits size 3month and some baby socks. Baby was due at the end of August so he would wear 3mo next fall. All the cool weather stuff was on clearance.

Jan. 2 2011

I am 6 week along today!
My friend Sue and I went to lunch at my favorite Greek place! After lunch we strolled through the antique shops and boutiques. I ended up buying a red sweater jacket to wear on Valentines day, the day I decided I would share my pregnancy news with the world! The only people that knew I was pregnant were my mom and Sue.....my bff!


Jan.4 2011

I went to a Murder Mystery Dinner show with Sue, my BFF!
It was totally fun I was just very tired and my tummy felt FULL!
A common theme during early pregnancy!

Jan. 5 2011   (Wednesday)

 I am 6 weeks 3 days along.  My tummy feels full and is starting to swell.
I have not felt sick at all, just really tired.
I have been taking my vitamins every night!
I have been taking a 30 minute nap each day. My older boys have been asking if I was OK. I have been really tired. I go to bed at 7:30pm now instead of 8:30 or 9pm. I enjoy read from ALL my many pregnancy related book....like after 6 times I don't already know????

I have also started to do some drawing in bed at night. Jackie and Olivia have been drawing also.
SSSOOO relaxing!
We listen to soothing music and my water fountain.......and draw,sketch or doodle!
As baby grows in my tummy I will draw pictures of him and I.
 (I am NOT a artist)
This is just a relaxation technique I learned from
a book called Birthing From Within.

20/20 HINDSIGHT :::: I had very bad cramping from 6:15pm- 8pm I was leaving for my Self Reliant meeting. I wanted to stay home but was also driving my neighbor. (She did not know I was pregnant). I thought I was in labor......it was bad. By the end of our meeting it had tapered off. I was just very tired! I am 6 weeks 3 days along!


Jan.7 2011

Baby is almost 7 weeks!
My clothes are NOT fitting!!!!! So I hunted down my trunk of maternity clothes and washed them today!
I love the smell of fresh laundry! I also weeded out a few shirts and pants that are starting out to small...
Yes, I am starting out weighing more this go round! How much longer will it take for hubby to notice???
He did mention I should start exercising more. Little does he know!!!!!!

Today I also called DR E to schedule my first appointment. He gives a vaginal ultrasound to get an accurate due date for his records! He sees you between 8-10 weeks along.
 My appointment first app. was scheduled for Jan. 25...I would have been 9 weeks 2 days.
I could hardly wait to see my baby for the first time.....a long 2 1/2 week wait!

The next week Jan.8- Jan.13 was spent.....tired
but glowing from ear to ear!
Baby was growing in a secret place!
I was going to have a baby WOW!
I spent my time nesting,dreaming and cleaning out.
Sorting though clothes to giveaway. Planning where the crib would go, thinking about getting bunk beds for the girls.....life was good! Beyond good!
I was so excited!
Baby is now in its 7th week!

Jan.12 2011
After several rough nights with Olivia age 3 and my not wanting to nurse her partly because of my Snoogle pillow in the way and part because it was painful.  In the morning hubby was getting ready for work.......
Hubby asked me why I had to have the Snoogle pillow in bed? I told him my hip had been hurting. He then remembered The Back-up Plan movie we had watched about 5 times over Christmas break and his week off. He also remembered my hip usually hurt ALL during my pregnancy's.

He then asked  "Are you pregnant????"
I answered YES!!!
Silence fell on the room........

So the gig was up! He was in shock like I knew he would be.
But he knew we would be fine.
He was very quiet that night when he got home.
I did not know what to say. He did say before, that he would rather find out when I was 3 months or so. I planed to tell him and the kids on Valentines day.

Jan.13 2011

Hubby came home from work and was excited about the pregnancy.
It just took him a day to process things. Our evening and dinner time was wonderful!


Jan. 14 2011    (Friday)

Baby is almost 8 weeks!

I  was running up the stairs and felt "wet" in my undies.
I headed to my bathroom and discovered a small amount of  blood in them.
It was just a bit but I was instantly concerned! All that weekend I had bloody mucus when I wiped.
I did not have cramps but felt like doom was lurking. What was happening?
I had never miscaryed.....that only happens to other people.....not me!

When Hubby got home from work I told him I had started to bleed.....I then decided to tell the kids so they could pray for this little one and my pregnancy! Hubby wanted me to keep quiet and NOT tell them.  That was very hurtful. I told them anyway!
The 4 younger kiddos were very excited about a new baby.......Nick was excited to find out the clothes he helped pick out were for OUR baby.
He was on cloud nine and was praying his heart out for all to be OK!


Hubby was saddened at first when hearing the news of a possible miscarriage starting....I never had one before.
I did not know what was going on? Was every thing going to be fine? Miscarriages don't happen to ME.......just other people, right?????


Hubby was starting to feel relieved that there might not be a new baby........I could just tell!
I was feeling ALONE!

To be continued.........

Peace and Love,
Georgiann

That Joyous Christmas Morning~

Remembering back......

It was Christmas morning Dec.25 2010 at 12:30am. I had just woken up after taking a short snooze.
We had entertained guest for Christmas Eve. dinner, then went to Christmas Mass so I was quite tired.
It was 12:30am just before I was to go down stairs to SPRINKLE some Christmas magic on the living room. {wink*wink*} I needed to go pee...... and was 1 week late for my period so, I thought what better time to take a test....a pregnancy test that is!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
History~
Since no one reading this blog knows me I will fill you in on some history really quick....
Hubby and I have 6 kiddos.....4 boys and 2 girls in that order. They range in age from 16-3yrs
I am 42 yrs old and hubby is now 47.
We leave our birth control to the Lord and we had been hoping praying and trying for 17 months to conceive with our 7th child. We wanted to keep the spacing the same. (all the kids are 2 1/2-3yrs apart.)
I was and still am breastfeeding my 3 yr old daughter. Six months into TTC I had my thyroid levels checked then at the one year mark I had my hormones check to see if I was ovulating. All came back great. DR said, just cut down on the nursing of my daughter and things should be fine.
I had been drinking chia soy lattes in the mornings for about 1 year, then stoped using SOY in Oct. 2010 after reading
what soy can do to fertility. It messes with your estrogen levels. I take my vitamins and folic acid on most days. I was ready to be pregnant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So on this awesome Christmas morning, just before going down stairs to "SPRINKLE" some Christmas magic all about......I peed in a cup and dipped in the little test strip then waited! (I buy them in bulk on line)
I had been testing on and off  for 17 months, so I just figured this month wasn't going to be any different.
After waiting only 30 seconds and only seeing one line show up.....you know the one! I slipped the test back into the package and threw it out........
I sat on the toilet for a moment trying to wake up before heading down stairs. Something told me to get it back out of the trash and look at it again. This time there was 2 lines..........YES!!!!
The double lines I had been waiting for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

History~

My hubby......though we leave birth control up to the Lord my hubby was fine with 6 kiddos.
He was not 100% sure he wanted anymore....but knew it could happened.
We don't do anything to stop it.
Hubby was coming up on his 47th birthday in Jan. 2011.
With EVERY pregnancy I have had (6)....hubby get the deer in the headlights look that seems to last well into my 3 month. Then he settles down, knowing GOD will provide.
(we are not rich but we are far from poor)
My hubby is an awesome dad and loves all his children!

 I had asked my hubby months prior to this positive test.......If I were to get a positive test would you want to know right away? or want me to tell you when I was 3 months or so? 
He picked the wait 3 months.
Hubby has a stressful job and him knowing sooner would not change the fact I'm pregnant.
So waiting to tell him was what I decided would be best.
He'd just have less time of worry. Plus he had the week off....I did not want to STRESS him out.

Have you ever watched the show "I didn't even know I was pregnant?"
I thought I would see how long it would take before people started to notice.
How can you NOT know you are pregnant?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 I decided I would keep my wonderful news a secret..........the plan was to make my BIG announcement on Valentines Day 2011. I would have been 12wks 1d.
I went down stairs with hubby to get tree and things ready for the kids.....then we when back up to bed until 7:30am.
Since I could NOT believe I was pregnant, I decided to use a test a had been saving for just the right time.
This test was the kind that spells it out for you PREGNANT!!!!!
You know, the first test could have been wrong, right?????
 I gave a fresh pee in the cup and dipped the plastic test stick in and counted to 8..........then tossed the stick into a wicker drawer across from the toilet....and waited. I slide the drawer open every few seconds and peeked in.....all I saw was the hour glass flashing! I quickly closed the drawer each time as I did not want hubby to walk in and see.

The final time I opened the drawer......I saw the word PREGNANT!!!!!! WOW I could hardly believe it!
So after Christmas breakfast and opening gifts with hubby, my mom and the kids, I ran up to my room to get out my calender and start figuring out all the dates.......Due Date, conception date ALL that fun stuff!
I was on cloud nine! I felt so peaceful!

This is me 6 weeks pregnant with my 7th.

My due date was August 28 2011.
I conceived on or about Dec. 6 2010
Implantation could have happened Dec. 12 the day we got our Christmas tree.
Thinking back to that day I was very crampy......I never get cramps when I have my period but did think my period might possibly start early......but then when it did not start and I got a positive test I said AAH it WAS  baby implanting!

I did tell my mom I was pregnant the day after Christmas.....she was here visiting for a week at Christmas.
I wanted my mom to be able to plan her trip back out when the baby was due! My mom was so excited!

SSSHHHHH   Mums the word! :)


Swedish meatballs at IKEA
The drink Kristian Regale is what gave me the idea
for this baby's name.....I felt this baby was a boy from
 the start. We spelled it Christian....


On the way from taking my mom to the airport, I stopped at IKEA with just my 2 youngest girls....I had not been shopping there in years. I had some cash, but planed on writing a check for the items I wanted and saving the cash taking the girls to dine on Swedish meatballs. When it came time to ring my stuff up I saw the WE DON"T TAKE CHECKS sign. :(  I do not use depit or credit. I put everything in the reject cart and only bought a tin of cookies. The tin had a picture of 7 kids (all ages) on the front having a snowball fight.
That was going to be ME with 7 kids. I was planning on using the tin when it was empty to put our new baby's Christmas ornaments in year after year. I was going to tell this baby every year the story of me finding out he was on his way! A feeling of joyous bliss!

The cookie tin I bought at IKEA

                                              
I also told my best friend (she's 52) a few day after my mom left for home. Only two people knew that was it. My BFF and I had lunch out at a my favorite Greek restaurant, then went browsing the antique and consignment boutiques for a few hours....no kids. I ended up buying a red sweater jacket.....I was going to wear it on Valentines day when I made my BIG announcement. Life was good. I glowed from the inside out.......I was going to have a baby!

A Greek Gyro from my favorite place! So totally YUMMO!~
I love tezeeky sauce!

Tomorrow was going to be the day......

.................we were going to announce to the kids and the world I was pregnant! 

Tomorrow will be Feb.14......Valentines Day, I would have been 12wks 1day!

I was due August 28 2011.

I use the past tense as I am no longer pregnant.

 My miscarriage started Jan.14 2011. (1month ago tomorrow) I fully miscarried on Jan. 20 2011.

I was 8wks 4dys along. I feel this baby was a boy and we named him Christian Alexander.

Christians remains....what little their was, got buried on Feb.2 2011 at the local Catholic cemetery for free.  The ceremony was simple,small and short just hubby my 6 other children and the 2 workers. I feel good that my baby's remains were treated with dignity and respect.
It will cost about $800.00 for a grave marker, that will have to wait for now.

This is my first post for this blog.......

                                       My Journey Through Miscarriage.

I will be using this blog to post my feelings.......my hopes and dreams from the day I found out we were expecting our little bundle of love on that joyous Christmas Morning 2010 and forward through my actual miscarriage. I will share with you, my times of loneliness and grief that no one understands unless they have also suffered such a loss.
It will take me some time to type my handwritten journal from the past 2 months onto my blog.
It has been almost 1 month since my miscarriage so I have been trying to rest....most of my journaling happens at night in my room.
 I hope you will come by read and comment?

 It is my hope that if you are or think you are having a miscarriage you will find some comfort from those who walked this road before you! It can FEEL very lonely but you are not alone.......you need to reach out a talk with others who have survived the walk, someone who will understand!
You are not weird or crazy for feeling sad.....this IS your baby we're talking about.
Your hopes, your dreams for THIS child....... YOUR child, now gone or slipping away.

Life starts a conception~

Peace and Blessings to you!

Feel free to ask me questions or just leave a comment!

Prayers,
Georgiann